Proof there is a God: Steven Seagal

With a hearty bag filled of hell yesssedness I write to you today about the greatest Lawman in the 600 years of recorded American History. That’s right; I’m including the Vikings and Dan Brown’s plot minions, the Templars.

Steven Seagal has a new TV show entitled “Lawman”. Just as my angst for the Zen master was turning to an incisive itch, here comes the man himself, not to the pompous giant silver screen, but to the less pretentious 50 inch, flat screen, High Definition, LCD screens that occupy our humble American homes. For those of you misfortunate souls that have not basked in the greatness that is Seagal (hence forth “The Seag”), he can single handedly disarm a gang of Armani clad Ninja’s, without as much as breaking a sweat, or facial expression. He loves all sentient beings, especially the ones he can judo-chop into peacefulness, and is not afraid to die in movies that advertise him as staring in. What? You don’t remember that you say? I present you “Executive Decision,” where he dies in the first ten minutes. That was enough though. Ten minutes of The Seag is sufficient to permeate his Omni-presence throughout the movie. My only regret is that for the remainder of the movie we were left with John Leguizamo to fill in The Seag’s shoes. How dare they presume to replace Him with Leguizamo? Another lazy Mexican stealing the white-man’s jobs! But I digress. In “Lawman” we will be privy to the revelation of a secret: The Seag has in fact been a cop for twenty years. How cool is that shit?

Evidently, all those years of high brow acting and slightly fictitious plot lines were but a mere cover for what in reality was a man of the people. And by man, I mean superior being, and by people I mean reality TV consumers. There is no other man, alive or dead that embodies the absolute awesomeness of cool macho bravado like The Seag. He doesn’t require a frown, or a grunt to express his disgust. Not him. He simply looks at you, through you, in you. This is the kind of self-discipline that can only be acquired by being a full Japanese-English bilingual, a seventh-level aikido master, and a bonafide enemy of the California branch of the Yakuza.

His new reality show is just that: REAL. It is the culmination of twenty years of a [apparently secret, deep undercover] police career. It could be nothing other than a reality show because this earth has never, ever been walked by any man with the capacity to appropriately portray Deputy Seagal. Except maybe Jean-Claude Van Damme, maybe. Maybe. So go on and get your panty liners ready kiddies, because this show is gonna be so hot, you can do nothing but get wet over it.

Here’s to you Seag: Kampai!