Showing posts with label Chuck Norris. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chuck Norris. Show all posts

5.07.2010

Why is THIS news?

5.07.2010 9
First off, I’d like to take my hat off and give a giant bow of respect to the FBI and the NYPD. They went from abandoned, smoking vehicle in Times Square to a viable suspect in custody in a little over 48 hours. THAT, is police work. THAT was news.

Ok then, back to the matter at hand. I’ve been annoyed (more so than usual) by the things I hear in the news that make me go: “Why is THIS news?”

1. People coming out of the closet.
I honestly cannot give a flying fuck something that flies, if you’ve spent the last decades closeted. Really, Ricky Martin, I don’t give a shit. That’s like hearing: “Ending years of speculation, Angelina Jolie has issued a press release confirming, that she is in fact, a Gemini.”
Or “Hugh Hefner is straight.” Let’s be honest here, does it really make a difference? There is some country singer girl that came out this week, and honestly, I left NPR because I just didn’t want to hear it.

2. China.
This is not a joke. I am so tired of hearing in the news about every time China farts. Don’t misunderstand me; I am not one of those crazy isolationists that think “America don’t need nobody.” Far from it. I’ll show you my passport for proof. I love learning and hearing about other cultures, but NPR reports more on china than on our stuff (or so it seems). There was new report about some Chinese man that died. He knew how to make bird noises with his throat. I heard about it on NPR. I. shit. you. not. He wasn’t somebody that helped mankind in some way, nor a civil servant dying to save another, or something else that should merit mention. If this is how the rest of the world reports or reported on the U.S. in their own countries, I can see why American’s don’t tend to bode well in international circles.

3. The World’s Fair.
See China. But also, it’s irrelevant now. The World’s fair had its place in a time when countries needed a means to exchange ideas and impress upon other nations their technological knowhow. And it was a great idea and successful way of doing so. And then came telecommunications, and ultimately the internet. What the hell do I need a world’s fair when I can teleconference and see, SEE your demo from miles away? Call it another conference and move on. Dragon Con needs some competition, maybe the “World’s Con” is up to the challenge. Oh, and don’t let me go without saying that the amount of money spent on this thing is an absurdity the size of the cosmos itself. I mean, dear God (atheist, remember?) there are people literally DYING in Haiti, Chile, Nashville, and many other places. There is giant fucking oil leak just off the coast of Louisiana, but let’s put on a show measured in billions of dollars so that the world notices us. It’s like a little girl whining “pay attention to meeee”… Good job, we noticed.

Sorry for the long post. I know it’s out of character, but just felt bitchy for some reason. I know, try to contain the gasp. Let’s see if the media reports on this as well. Where is Chuck Norris when you need him to roundhouse kick some people?

4.22.2010

Awesome, is made of Chuck Norris:

4.22.2010 10
I'm having the kind of day that needs a little sunshine. And who better to provide it, than Chuck Norris. Bow, infidels!

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.


These are only a small sample.. feel free to add.
 
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