Thank you all for your time and invaluable feedback. If anybody happens to come by the Atlanta area, let me know. I'll buy you a beer, or ten. I mean it. I am a man of my word. Here is my second version of my possible query letter. If you don't mind my asking, let me know how it can be honest. Go ahead, rip it. And Matt, yes, you can be meaner! ;)
Dear Stellar Agent of superb and unquestionable taste:
I am seeking representation for my novel entitled MEND.
He attacks. He springs upon his victims with hatred and blind fury, slashing their bodies and shredding the peace of the city too busy to remember. He kills. With no evidence left behind, four families have fallen in his wake, and he is not finished. Only now there are two very different men, with two very different motives, hoping to bring an end to the worst killer Atlanta has seen in decades.
The first is Lieutenant Nate Barker. Intelligent and methodical, Barker must solve the case of his career while battling a skeleton that refuses to stay in the closet. The other is Jacob Santos. A man obsessed by the messages the killer sends him after he strikes and haunted by the inscriptions left for him at each crime scene.
Each step Jacob and Barker take bring them closer to unveiling the secret that links them to the killer, and to the dark chasm that lies in its revelation.
MEND is a Crime Fiction novel, complete at 70,000 words.